I was thinking about my past agnostic life. I was thinking of how stupid I regarded Christians as; praising, worshipping and yet they were the poorest. I thought, it’s never that serious, you either get rich or die trying.
I believed in the existence of God but at times when things didn’t go my way I was on the contrary. I was sometimes the ‘Christian’ who went to God for his things to work out, for my own will to be fulfilled not His. I was of the world, deep in heart I knew that God is ultimate, absolute and sovereign but in my mind, I was set to believe that reality and human theories made the world.
I would ask myself why the rich and powerful and the non-believers got away with murder, corruption and all social vices. Why the baddest and illest rolled with the fanciest and the best that this world makes. Most of the Christian friends and family I knew were poor. My poor auntie was a Christian from the village. She was not perfect but she strived to please God with all her heart though having many dark days in her life. She would insist that I know God, that He never fails and that He is everything I need.
I would ask God why He would be that harsh to her, always struggling with finances hoping to see a brighter day. I would visit her frequently every time I was in upcountry. We would take her well cooked tea where sometimes there would be no sugar and would cater for that. Endless stories would fill the soot-stained small kitchen that was segregated from the main house. We would all laugh and make stories with her children and grand-children until I realized that it was damn late and I should be leaving.
Once I was back in the city I would recollect my life. I would remember the moments we shared, the laughter and fun we had in her small kitchen with no electricity and the Jesus she would insist saves when I barely saw it and this was all fun to me. I would compare that life to mine, having to wake up so early to slave with your boss always on your case, traffic jams, the rush hours, too many commitments to try and find that extra coin, a rushing weekend that I could barely enjoy etc. I was my social media, a day with no electricity and a dying phone charge would be more drastic than a day in hospital. Even with money, you could be bereft of all the fun in the village as that involved meeting friends over lunch and coffee, something short-lived and that involved most of them stuck on their phones tapping their social platforms even at a social hangout.
I realized that my poor auntie was happier than me. Her children and grandchildren formed the wrinkles of smiles on her face, she had no Instagram post to worry about, lack of electricity was not something that was to stress her, she couldn’t worry about fake friends and how they would judge her, tiring jams or temptations to get money the wrong way was the least of her fears. What worried her much was if her kids were upright, if they had the basic needs and if Siloma would one day get to know Jesus. I realized that while I was struggling to make ends meet, yearning for that booming business, that new 60″ screen or that classy phone, she was content with her small compound with well-cultivated grass and her milking cow. She was content with her small house and the service she gave the church.
Deep in her she was aware that she totally had nothing, that her kids may be the disgrace as most of them have got no education but she had in mind that she taught them in the best way possible. She loved them. Being a single mother she earnestly struggled to proved and she humbled herself before everyone and mostly God. She let Jesus take the wheel and let Him be the comforter. In most of her conversations, she mentions of how Jesus has seen her through and how she is doing much better. She teaches herself not to look down upon herself though she feels intimidated by those with money.
I got to know Christ. I love how she impacted my life with the constant reminder that God saves. I would then so more than frequent visit her.
“Why do you still visit me?” she would ask, “Why do you love coming to my house, take tea with us and laugh for hours and yet am the poorest? You are also not used to this life?”
“Auntie, I desire your life, I would love to live a life like yours.”
“Are you insane, spit that out, my children look up to you and desire your life.”
“Then tell them not to. Tell them not to look at how I live. Teach them to look at what you have in heart. They may desire my education and maybe my little wisdom but teach them not to desire my way of life.”
“And why is that? I tell my kids to study hard to be like you.”
“My education, what I wear, what gadgets I may have is not success. To me success is not money, wealth has very little to do with my definition of success. In fact if given a chance, I would love to come and live in the village, forever.”
“But you have a good job, you have lived a sweet life since childhood, you live in the city… Do you really know what you are wishing?”
“I tell you auntie, there is nothing as bitter and painful than to lack in heart. There is nothing as devastating as the world to treat you in respect and look up to you that you have made it while you cry yourself to sleep every night.”
“Do you cry in your sleep? Why? What have you lacked.”
“I was just using that as an example. But am not spared either, maybe sooner I might live such a life and that’s why am fighting it. We are living in a world where you are judged by where you live, what you dress, what you do and how you speak. People place you in categories called classes. There is no peace in that, there is no peace in having all that makes the world but you cannot FEEL the world. I see no need to have the world and not want it, or have limits on how to use it. I would want to walk aimlessly, to see those kids playing on the road and upon seeing me they stop and greet me with respect, to see people in the shamba whistling as they plough, to interact with anyone at anytime without being judged and not be considered greater than anyone because I have a few extra coins. I don’t want to be bound by rules of how those who have and those who don’t should live.”
“Trust me if I were well of, I could not be struggling like this. Toiling day and night, feeling like a lesser person etc.”
“Everyone has a struggle. Yes you may have wealth but maybe you are struggling with rogue and disrespectful kids, broken family, addiction, depression, disease etc. Will that be better because you have wealth? Because you will sleep on a kind size bed and get a warm shower? Money or wealth will not be the solution to everything, you have the solution in your heart, you have peace of mind and that is what you should be teaching your kids, teach them to have Jesus in them, teach them to love and be content with what they have. Sometimes I tell God, if money or wealth will bring me trouble let me not have it at all.”
“I think I agree with you to some point.”
I got to know Christ, I got to understand that peace comes from Him. This has been evident in my 10 year struggle to fight epilepsy which you can read here. I was broken, lifeless and hopeless yet so many had desired to live my life. I wanted no more of it. I resented it for so long. That life taught me not to fill in the blanks whenever I saw someone flaunting their wealth nor wish to be them because I do not know where their shoe pains most. It is through that that I also run this blog.
Silomasays is not just any other blog. It is a calling, sometimes I get so lost into my writing and realize that I have done 4,000 words and I need to stop. I write from my soul and sometimes this blog has been a burden. I have decided to shut it a million times only for that person you have never met to say, “Hey you have CHANGED my life. Why did you stop writing?” I never quite felt connected to souls through my writing before but now I do. An example is this story. Sometimes I ask myself why I run this blog, I question my writing. I look into how I present my case through my bad grammar and confused statements and wonder how my readers get my point. Sometimes I think people like my poor auntie are the reason I write. Sometimes I ask myself why I had to choose the name ‘silomasays’ why my name on it, why my identity on it. It was not until recently that I realized I, Siloma did not chose to write but was called to write just in the same way Jesus teaches;
…remember you did not chose me but I chose you
So this reminds me that I should not floss to be Mr. KnowItAll. This taught me that I should not be proud because I received a compliment or two. I consider this blog sacred and it’s readers are these beautiful souls who read, digest and put to practice. A friend asked me why I do not have comments with all the beautiful posts I put up here and I told him that my writing is for the soul. I yearn to touch souls I share deeply about my experiences so that my readers may avoid the pot holes that stuck me before. I added that I try and give people hope even when there is no sign of one. I believe many have every reason to cry but with one beam of inspiration, one’s life may change.
My beloved readers, though I personally do not know you, though your faces I have never seen nor your voices heard, I have to thank you all for reading and appreciating this work. Keep hope alive, know Jesus and know peace. Of what benefit is it to own the world and lose your own soul? You are valuable. You are beautiful, how others see you is not important. You may be as poor as my auntie, with no formal education, with many things the society will look you down for, with constant degradation laid upon you, with fears and insecurities depriving your joy and peace, with the world not showing mercy on you, with the world giving you reasons to catch up with the rest, do not give in to all that.
Give yourself a reason to catch up with God, give yourself a reason to find your own peace, your own joy and happiness. Do not ask God for wealth thinking that your problems may be solved, ask for satisfaction in what you have, ask for peace that surpasses all human understanding, ask for wisdom and joy, ask for every good and perfect gift that comes from Him and that His will may be done. Let it not always be about you or your will but His. Know who you are in his kingdom that no one belittles you. Know what joy is in Him that no one deprives you of it. Know of what peace there is in Him that no one steals it from you. Know that this life is not your own and you are here for a purpose, serve others, give others a reason to live another day. Do not judge. Be patient and kind and most of all teach yourself to love for God is love and in that is Church, you wouldn’t be struggling to fit, you wouldn’t be struggling to be normal, you wouldn’t be struggling to blend for you have blend already with Christ, you have been made righteous in Him.
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.