It is 10:03 PM as I write this. I am excited as I am getting discharged tomorrow. It has been a hectic five days closed up in a room thinking about what’s eating me up. I have been admitted four times this year and friends have been asking the constant question, “What’s up?”
“Depression & Seizures.” I would always answer them.
But what is stressing you? You are so young. Do people get hospitalized for depression? How did they (doctors) even know you are depressed? These were some of the questions I would get. Some would even go to the extent of advising me that I should get a wife, I should stop overworking, overthinking etc. but being a mental health advocate, I was well prepared for any banana peel that would be thrown on my floor.
Tons of people visited me. There were always two to five people in my room most of whom were complete strangers to each other. We would discuss the word and Christ so much that it no longer became a visit but a theological class. There was the sharpening of skills, there were meaningful discussions and a lot of enlightenment.
Two people I have never met before came and one said something that almost made me cry. The lady said that she first read an article on my blog and came to find out about me. She said that she further saw my work (graphics I usually do and send on social media every morning) and she was keen to follow who I was. As I posted on my Church group that I was unwell, she side chatted me getting to know how I was fairing.
She spoke of how she battled whether to come or not and she said that she decided to become intentional by visiting me to the hospital. This taught me a lot. I questioned myself, “Can I go visit a total stranger in the hospital?” Can I side chat a stranger whom we share a common group should they say they are unwell or are undergoing through a lot?
This also taught me that the world is always watching. The world is always watching everything you do. Someone somewhere is always keen to know about what steps you make. The Bible says that we are the light of the world and we should illuminate to every corner of the world. I always do those graphics hoping to reach just one person. I get little or no feedback so I usually think people are not interested with them as much.
SEE ALSO: 10 Years A Slave - My Struggle With Seizures
Just like last time, I was still admitted for severe depression. Most of my friends and even my family do not think that I am depressed. I think it is because I look too strong to be pinned down by anything or it is because I smile a lot. Most people think depression has to draw itself on the face. I have battled seizures for thirteen years now and this year doctors think they are caused by severe depression. Earlier, they were diagnosed to be epileptic and I have been taking epileptic drugs for years. You can read my journey with seizures here.
My neurologist suggested that we do a process called ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) which is a medical treatment most commonly used in patients with severe major depression or bipolar disorder that has not responded to other treatments. ECT involves a brief electrical stimulation of the brain while the patient is under anesthesia. I was informed that one of the major side effects is the loss of memory. Basically, ECT is like factory resetting your phone when it gets slow or starts hanging.
I never knew what was depressing me. I was put on many antidepressants since March this year and underwent many counseling sessions to no avail. I shared with my family and friends the ECT and they all went to their knees. I was told that it would be done either on Monday or Tuesday and I was ready for it. I downloaded a diary on my phone and started journaling, writing events that occurred so that I would not forget them. I was scheduled to speak about mental health this coming Sunday on 4th November at Nairobi Baptist and I remember telling the Passie that am undergoing a procedure that can make me lose my memory so he should check up with me on Wednesday.
Severe headaches never spared me and I was always on drip with painkillers which never helped a bit. The doctors never seemed to understand what was ailing me and I could feel the confusion in them. The psychiatrist never agreed with the neurologist on ECT and I ended up not doing it. I told my friends and family about it and they now opened up – that they never wanted me to undergo the procedure and have been praying against it.
I was admitted when my mood was really low. I was feeling like a zombie but inside I was giving myself strength in Christ. The word clearly says that let the weak say they are strong and we have been made perfect in our weakness. All through I was still low and I saw no change but as I write this post, I feel this immense strength and power. I feel it is supernatural, surreal and not from drugs.
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I have learned three major things. I have learned that there is too much love around me. Friends and family flocked in to see me. They came with gifts, words of encouragement, love, joy and showers of smiles. This was a way of God telling me that He’s got my back though I may be depressed. I also learned that character is very important. If my character was not as good then I would not have such friends. The third thing is prayer. Prayer changes things. Every morning I would lock myself in the washroom and just pray, I would go so deep with God and no matter what I felt, I came out so strong feeling so relieved.
Are you there depressed? Lonely? Feeling fed up with life? Are you struggling with that terminal illness, that state of joblessness and despair? Do you feel like quitting on God because you feel your prayers are unanswered? Abraham was 75 when he was told he will have a son and every morning he was positive and sure that he will indeed get a son given his old age and the fact that his wife was barren. It took him 25 years of believing without fail until he got Isaac at the age of 100.
Know that you are not alone. We are all in this path called life and the scripture says in James 1:2 that we should consider it pure joy when we undergo trials and temptations of all kinds for the testing of our faith produces perseverance. It continues to say that let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. In your testing, your being prepared for maturity and completeness.
Jesus never promised that the journey will be easy, He said that should we want to follow Him, we should deny ourselves and carry our own crosses but He promised to leave us a helper, the Holy Spirit. Do not give up. Depressed? Do not contemplate to take your own life but get lost in Him and you will find yourself. He is above all human understanding and gives life in abundance.
I hope this post inspires you. I also run a mental health organization called The Nijali Foundation, you can check us out at http://nijali.org. We create awareness to end the stigma surrounding mental health in Kenya. You can learn more about mental health from the resources in the site.
SEE ALSO: Reconciling God and Mental Health
Upcoming
We started a Bible Study in Narok. Are you around Narok or know someone who is? There is a Bible Study happening every Tuesday as from 5:30pm to 8:00pm at Kim’s dishes hotel. More info is at http://silomasays.com/nbs
I have an upcoming Mental Health Talk this Sunday on 4th November at Nairobi Baptist as from 1:30-3:30pm. Come and learn more about depression and get to hear my story.
P.S Always Smile 😁
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- We now have a shop where you can buy our e-books and get some for free – http://silomasays.com/shop